Leave the world

I was tempted to buy two cymbals of a expensive price, total together are 600 dollars. I skipped school because it was furlough's day anyways, we are not supposed to have school, eve the teacher still want to meet up. My flesh is really tempted. I drove down to SJ guitar center with the excuse that I want to get the effect pedals for my guitar board (these are necessary). In my heart I craved for the cymbals. The true reasons for the cymbals - Ihop people have them, they look nice and professional, it's something that will look good on me, it can show that I'm a good drummer. I went down there. Lo and behold, the shop manager targeted me, and start introducing me to all these glamourous cymbals. They don't give me a chance to decide, they brought me right to the cashier. (God was testing me...) I couldn't stand before the fear of man, so I faked my answers as though I really needed them, that way I look cool before them. So I bought them alone with another pedal. As I'm driving back, my heart is not at rest at all. I feel like I'd just done a horrible thing. I prayed and ask God to show me His will. My heart is convicted to return them.

I was scheduled to speak this Sunday, and I believe that's why the devil keep hitting me and tempting me to attack my conscience. When my conscience is attacked I loose confidence in God then I can't minister to people. I must watch out when I'm about to minister. I decided I will return them the next day. But through out the day, I wavered between two opinions... I can have them, because it's for the church. I even seek out advices from my peers, they told me, oh that's ok! It's for serving the church right? I was so confused by these two opinions. Discernment is so important for me.

James 3
13Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

The Lord gently sing to my spirit in the morning as I'm going to class, "I'm on my way!" So I start singing it. I played the Ipod on my car as I'm driving, not knowing what song it is, it start singing the same song. "I will set my mind on things above, I will set my heart on the things to come, I'm on my way, I'm on my way to zion!" It was a moving moment even my heart is struggling, I knew it is the will of God, yet I didn't want to submit to the Lord.

The reason it's hard for me to understand the true will of God was Selfish Ambition I was so confused that I can no longer function as a normal person in a way. I lost track of time, I lost track of my duty as a student or as a minister. The battle intensify till the next day. My ambition grew bigger, I wanted to get down there to complete my bill and pick both symbol up, however I brought one cymbal with me just in case I was really convicted to return them. I went down there on Saturday again. On the way, my mind is bombarded by two opinions, one says it is good to keep, or maybe just keep one. The other opinion is to return them. It is not right to buy things I don't need right now and wasting money.

So I drove back to SJ to expect to do something. I'd received in my mail a new CD (Ihop limited edition) It was singing, blessed are the way who has clean hands, blessed are the one who has pure heart, for they shall see God. God was speaking about me when he wrote that in the bible. At last as I went to the mall to exchange some money that I had from the past. I walked through the mall and thought: Oh my! The world is so evil, filled with lust and fornication. The ad they post on the walls are promoting free sex and shame. People take their shame as glory. I thought to myself, I'd never want to compromise and go down that path way of destruction. It may seem attractive on the outside, yet underneath is a trap for the young man's life. (Proverb) I exchanged the money, and decided to do as God will. I walked out from the mall as quickly as possible knowing this is the attack of the enemy. God's will is not to rush people. If I am making decision and am driven by a rush and an urge without waiting on God in deep peace, it is originated from the devil. I quickly go to guitar center and return the cymbal in embarrassment. I only bought the things that I really needed, which is 145 bucks. Remaining 5 dollars in my wallet. Later as I'm driving, God reminded it is his grace.

As I'm driving back home I played a CD that I'd receive that day. It was singing a song that touched my heart so deeply:

I knew what I was getting into when I chose you, I chose you still. I knew your frame. I remember that you are but dust, I knew where this is going. I don't regret it. I am not shocked by your struggle. I am not put off by your struggle. I am not disgusted or shamed of you. No, I knew what I was getting into when I chose you. I said, He is my chosen one, He is my vessel. It's not about you, it's all about me. I chose you that's enough. I'm gonna bring you forth in love, I'm gonna bring you to the end in strength. When all you see inside of you is weakness I see strength in you. I see the end from the beginning. I know where this is going. you barely just begun. You see So few will fight the good fight but your fighting it. At least you're fighting. Even when You feel you're loosing. You refuse to quit, this is all that I ask. So few will look back at me and say, I really really want to love you, but you say every day, Istill really want to love you. But you said, I'm so sinnful and full of compromise, so sinful. I see your confession, it's real, I still believe those vows you made, you break. I still believe in you. I knew what I was getting into when I called you yet I called you just the same. I knew what I was getting into when I beckoned you. I'm still beckoning you. I am not surprised but your struggle. You were the one discovered in your pride. I am not disgusted by your sin. You thought you were better than you. I see the seed of righteousness in you. I clothed you with the blood of my son. It's enough. Why do you try to get into a room you're already in. My delighted in you, I'm married to you. It's more than just mercy, There's more than just mercy working here, I don't just feel sorry for you. I want you, I want you.I want you! You'd ravished me, you ravish my heart. I want you! I want you! I love you! I like you! You're the object of my affection. You're the center of my world. More than just pity. You are the apple of my eye. You are the center of my world. You're the only one you're the favorite one. Who is this as beautiful as Tierza, lovely as Jeruselem. Awesome as an army with banner. of turn your eyes away. Your eyes have overwhelmed me. You see your weakness, I see strength in you. You do love me. I know you love you more than you know you love me. I am not surprised by you. I knew what I was getting into when I called you I knew what I was getting into and I knew this will work in you humility. Humility is of a greater value to me than even your perfection right now, Humility is the only way to perfection anyways. I am not shocked by you. I am not disgusted. quit the opposite. You'd ravished me! You'd ravished me. Will you marry me? Will you take my name? All that's yours will be mine, and All that mine is yours

I begin to weep.